Am I In The Right Relationship?
JUST DROPPED IN….
TO SEE WHAT CONDITION MY CONDITION WAS IN
If you know what that headline means, you’ve been on this Earth a while! It refers to the song “Just Dropped In” by Kenny Rogers and The First Edition from 1967. (And look at those outfits!!!)
Here’s a question from one of my clients this week: “Am I in the right relationship for me?”
To answer this question, let’s drop in and see what condition our condition is in…
“Am I generally happy in this relationship?”
If the answer is positive, in the grand scheme of things, I am doing pretty well.
I could also ask —
“Do I look forward to being together, going through our day together, hanging out together? Do I enjoy his/her company?”
If my answer is yes, even better.
These are good questions, and they are helpful.
JUST DROPPED IN
Let me continue to drop in, to see what condition my condition is in….
A question high on my list: can I be myself in this relationship no matter what is going on?
When we hit a bump in the road, can I be who I am?
Can I hold my own true Terri vibration even when Eric is in the dumps, or mad, or sick, or having a big whing-ding of a problem?
- When he’s off center, can I stay on center?
- Do I remember who I am and stay there, even if he is flailing (or failing?)
- Am I usually calm and patient in the relationship?
- Am I stable in myself, or do I blow wherever his wind (or any wind) is blowing?
- When I hear something bad in the news, does it affect my whole day?
Do I know what my Own True Terri Vibration IS? (The question of the century for sure…)
The real point is, can I find my way to things I want, a life I want, the “me” that I am or want to be — around him?
If I can’t, then he is not the issue.
(The OMG Hint: I am always the issue. The buck stops here.)
My own steadiness is the issue, my own ability to stay on track with myself, and know who I am no matter what circumstances are going on at any given time.
If I can’t BE ME around HIM —
- say what I mean, mean what I say
- do what I want to do, act the way I want to act
- live the way I want to live
then I probably have the same trouble elsewhere. I probably need help expressing ME (the true joyful and self-expressive ME) in other situations, too.
Not-knowing-my-true-self doesn’t happen in only one place.
It happens in many places.
The relationship is one mirror, but if I look around at my relationship with my family, my church, my groups, my friends, my employment, my government, my country — my same “trouble” is there, too.
If I’m honest.
If I look.
So looking at my relationship to see if it’s “right for me” is not so much about the rightness or wrongness of events in my relationship, it’s about my ability to find my way to what I’m looking for.
When someone leaves a relationship thinking, “There, I’ll never have to deal with THAT again,” it’s just not true.
(Ask me how I know about this. Hint: I’ve had many relationships and quite a few husbands. How do you think I learned all this? :–)
The issue shows up again in the next (darn) relationship — maybe two degrees to the right or left — but same (darn) basic issue.
I didn’t learn this — not really — until I was over 50 years old. (Oh please let me save you some time and agony…!)
UPS AND DOWNS, TO AND FRO, HERE AND THERE
In every set of circumstances, there is the potential for good and bad, yes and no, black and white, this and that.
You can take a great relationship and run it right into the ground. (Ask me how, I’m an EX-expert.)
You can take a great relationship and take it higher. (Ask me how, I’m an expert.)
SUREFIRE METHOD FOR RUINING A GOOD THING
How do you run a fine and decent relationship into the ground?
Pretty easy, actually.
Like I said, I’m an EX-expert.
Let me teach you how to have this problem. I can tell you step by step.
Remember, this is my list. Not yours. Feel free to be entertained.
You start with this practice: Let life circumstances (the conditions that come up every day, all day) dictate how you feel. Practice conditional love. When things are good, you’re good. When things are bad, you’re down for the count.
- When things are going well, be surprised. Assume it’s lucky. Assume it won’t last. Think to yourself, “Any moment now, the tide will turn, the other shoe will drop.” (And. It. Does.)
- Whenever things are not going well, respond to the negativity with resistance. This negativity becomes bad velcro and sticks to you. Any resistant negative attitude will do. (Go ahead. Get creative. Find your favorites.)
- Vow to make things better for yourself, but fail. (Let’s face it. Not that hard.)
- Vibrate with negativity — anger, superiority, helplessness, depression or whatever works best for you. Play your best card in the moment. (You know you know what that is…)
- Wear your problem — make it obvious, feel it, show it, act righteously frustrated, talk about it, rail against it, condemn it, write about it, join online chat groups, be loud, be quiet, retreat, call everybody, stay home, go out, tell your girlfriends, tell no one. Doesn’t matter. Just be upset visibly or invisibly. (Pretty easy once you get the hang of it.)
- Receive even more negativity. Be a magnet for trouble. Collect consistent proof that this awful world is the way you say it is. Then you can be right and stick to your poor me story. (What could possibly be better and more rewarding?)
- Suffer. A lot. (Try turning to alcohol, only to realize you don’t have the liver for it.)
- In an attempt to relieve your suffering, blame other people or circumstances for your unfortunate circumstances, bad luck, or your divorce. Blaming others feels better than blaming yourself. So point the finger somewhere besides you. Be convincing. (Hey, blaming can be fun!)
- Do whatever it takes to reinforce your point of view regularly. Stay the course. Be consistent. Spread your victim stories far and wide and get many people to understand you, side with you, sympathize with you, listen to you, agree with you because after all, you’re basically a sweet person. Go on a talk show. Be the poster child for your problem. Be known by your problem.
- Rinse and repeat.
The main idea is — See? I can’t be myself, do what I want to do, live the way I want to live, get what I need — all because of him-her or this-that.
Pretty detailed instructions, huh? Like I said, I’m an EX-expert.
Now for the good news.
Let’s turn this around.
The main idea of this first step is a big, big deal. Ready?
Wake up in the morning and find “feeling good.” Hang out there as long as you can.
- In the spirit of feelin’ good, start your day.
- Make it last as long as you can, but if you mess up, just start over. It’s ok. Practice makes progress. Progress creates confidence.
- Feeling good invites more conditions and circumstances that match “feelin’ good.”
- If your starting point is that there are eight crummy things going on in your life and one good one, you concentrate on the good one. You focus. Be like a laser beam.
- If your starting point is that there are five or ten things you don’t like about your partner, you ignore the things you don’t like. Instead, you look for and find good things about your partner. You make lists, you remember why you married him/her. You think back and recall why you liked your partner at the beginning of the relationship. You revel in that.
- You pay attention to, talk about, exaggerate, play up, bask in, point to, observe and celebrate whatever is working. You thank your partner for what’s working, what’s fun, what you feel really good about — regarding them or anything at all.
- Do this until, one by one, the other eight crummy things in your life sit up and take notice of the new game in town. The crummy things get on board, gain positive momentum and eventually come up to speed with the one good thing.
- Your partner transforms before your eyes. Who-woulda-thought???
- Pretty soon, you’ve got a whole lot of good things going on.
Ahhhh… now that’s better.