The Beauty of Blame — What It Reveals And 5 Ways To Take Advantage
Written for IN CARE OF RELATIONSHIPS by Terri Crosby
Last week, I posted a short video blog (1 min. 51 sec) about blame. Is Blame A Part of the Process?
(Go ahead and watch that if possible. It will open in a new window and you can come right back to this article.)
Noticing that we’re in a state of blame is so helpful.
It’s like an instant thermometer — blame tells you right where you are.
And as emotional states go, blame’s not too terribly awful actually. :–)
According to Abraham Hicks, one of the world’s leading vibrational experts, it’s way higher than depression or powerlessness, for instance.
Blame is also higher than fear, grief and despair.
And still higher than insecurity, guilt or unworthiness.
And blame is higher than this lovely bunch of coconuts: jealousy, hatred/rage, revenge anger and even discouragement.
So in the grand scheme of things, blame is higher, vibrationally speaking, than a number of other not-so-hot-either-emotions.
Blaming another doesn’t exactly mean you’re sittin’ pretty, but it does mean you’re in a potential filled place because you’re coming up the emotional ladder.
Good to know.
What Else Is Hopeful About Blame?
Blame has active energy to it. It’s not a passive, at the pool, sippin’ somethin’ strong under an umbrella to forget your day kind of emotion. It most certainly hasn’t given up.
I like that about blame. It’s got a little spunk. It can mean you’re rising up to learn something new about relating to others.
And another thing — if you’re a person who tends to to be overly responsible or think everything is your fault, (if you were a better person, that mistake or mishap would never have happened) then blaming someone else for a change could slingshot you right out of your self-flogging rut.
So good for you! Blame away!
How Blame Can Raise You Up
This is important.
What will transform your experience of being in the blame state is not being IN it, but rather noticing that you’re blaming. In other words, you’re outside the blame enough to see that you’re doing it.
This is a terrific place to be. It’s a powerful place to be.
Because awareness is everything. From this place you can rise up out of it and shift your future.
So here are some statements that might help you head in that direction.
- Hmmm. I can feel that I’m blaming.
- Wow! I’m thinking it’s her/his fault. Good for me for seeing what I’m doing.
- This feels bad. Oh, no wonder. I’m blaming.
- I notice I really think this (person, situation, world) should change and then I’d feel better. Wait. Maybe I can find a way to lighten up or feel better, and then who knows what will change.
Abraham says, “Even in your rightness about a subject, when you try to push your rightness toward another who disagrees, no matter how right you are, it causes more pushing against. In other words, it isn’t until you stop pushing that any real allowing of what you want can take place.”
So once I realize I’m pushing against someone else, I can do something that will actually help me, which is to deliberately do whatever it takes to back off. It can be a tall order in certain situations, but it’s worth it.
When we push against, we become a puppet, where the other person or situation holds the strings. We are run by what the other person is doing or not doing. We are “at the effect of.”
We have lost our freedom.
So… How Exactly Do I Feel Better?
How does one reduce the resistance quotient? Here are some ways.
- Have a good yell about it. But here’s the key. Tell the person you’re venting to that you’re just letting off steam to get your power back. The key is to vent consciously without pointing it at someone or getting it all over someone. (It can still be intense, so you may have to remind your partner you’re just venting.) The thing is, this kind of yelling never killed anyone and more often than not, it can be quite freeing whether you’re the yeller or the yell-ee. Finally someone is letting loose of what people have been thinking all along. Others (and you, too) will eventually get over the fact that you yelled. I figure it’s good news that nobody dies, and there’s a possibility of a lumbering ship full of history righting itself, and the seas calming. Ohmmmmm……
- Get funny about it. When you’re all serious and blamey, and you see it but you can’t shake it, get the assistance of a trusted and light-hearted friend who will egg you on. Ask this friend to help you elaborate and dramatize and emphasize. In other words, inflate the facts and go over board — blame more, not less. Make it worse. Tell a bigger story — heck make it hugely inaccurate! And ask your friend to laugh with you about it. Their whole job is to giggle and not take what you say seriously. Get physical about it. Give a pompous speech full of big, sweeping gestures. Do a big blame dance. Sing a song of blame. Revel fully in the delectable delight of blame. When it gets funny enough, you’ll both fall on the floor, practically unable to breathe from laughing. At this point, the letting go part is pretty much done! Liberation is imminent.
- Cheer for what you want to happen. Be a positive-polly-anna-cheerleader and blissfully ignore the obvious. Be deliberately oblivious. Promote the story of how things will go since you just found your magic wand — and hey, your wand works!
- Give it time. Ignore it for a while. Put your attention on other things that are working and which give you satisfaction. This is good for situations that are not in your face at the moment, and you can exercise the luxury of ignoring them. Focusing on the positive can help you re-center. When you’re ready to re-address the other situation, you’ve got your feet under you. You’re more grounded.
- Leave it. Walk away. Let it go. This can sometimes be the best thing to do whether it’s a project, a sale, or a goal. Or maybe it’s as small as a cafe job or as big as a big-deal relationship. If your restaurant manager is in a bad mood with everyone pretty much all the time (nothing’s ever good enough for her, and she’s lookin’ over everybody’s shoulder to find things to correct) you’re probably not going to change her pattern any time soon. So maybe just leave? Or if your husband’s anger and defensiveness is threatening your personal safety or the safety of your children, just get the heck out. Go. Pack your bags, get in your car (or have someone pick you up) and go to safety. There’s no thinking to be done there — take care of yourself. Or if you’ve given your relationship every chance to work, and it’s just not working, start over. Give yourself a clean slate. Nothing wrong with that.
And By The Way, Where Are We Heading?
When we say we’re heading up the emotional scale, from blame up the scale to happier times, what does that mean?
The poet e e cummings has a beautiful answer.
love is a place
and through this place of
(with brightness of peace)
yes is a world
& in this world of